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Female teminal controller to a male pilot after a lengthy request: "Last time I gave a pilot everything he wanted, I was on antibiotics for three weeks."

--
Chris Rasley , Moncton, New Brunswick, Canada
Air Traffic Controller, Private Pilot, Computer Geek, Other.

There is a defunct airline named PSA that stood for Pacific Southwest Airlines. I used to work for them and some of the old-timers swear this story is true. When the airline started, all it had was a leased DC-3 that it shuttled back and forth between San Diego and San Francisco. They had one person in San Diego working full-time convincing all the sailors in San Diego the girls were in San Francisco, and then another person full-time in San Francisco convincing all the sailors the girls were in San Diego. The airline got the nickname "Poor Sailor's Airline", which was shortened to PSA. When it got time to name the airline for good, they just took the nickname initials and worked some "respectable" words into it.

One old chestnut that PSA revitalized was the old one about the anonymous voice that comes over the radio and says, "Tower, what time is it?" The tower responds, "Who is this?" The answer comes back, "It doesn't make any difference who this is, what time is it?" "Well", says the tower, "if you are Cessna 1234A, it is 2 in the afternoon, if you are the Army helicopter, it is 1400, and if you are the Marine helicopter, Mickey's big hand is on the twelve and his little hand is on the two..." The PSA added to that is "... and if you are PSA, it is still Tuesday."

-- Jim Weir (rst-engr@oro.net)


Seen FLIEGERMAGAZIN, Germany:

Radar: FranceAir 1234, Confirm are you an airbus 320 or 340

Pilot: 340, of course

Radar: In this case, would you mind switching on the other two engines and giving me 1000 ft/min or more?

Heard in a Lufthansa Boeing 747-400 cockpit:

Have you heard about the birdstrike of the airbus 340? It happened over the north-atlantic. It was hit by the bird from behind!

-- Guido Frey (FREYG@reze-1.rz.rwth-aachen.de)


I'm a commercial pilot, and a couple of years ago I was listening to the scanner late at night near DFW airport. I heard the following true to life exchange (the names have been changed to protect the innocent, but it was DFW tower).
DFW Tower: "Lonestar 189, clear to land 18R, wind calm."
Lonestar: "Roger, cleared to land 18R."
Lonestar: "Tower, we hit something."
DFW Tower: YOU DID WHAT???
Lonestar: "We hit a small animal or something on the runway. Ya know, some sort of road kill or something."
DFW Tower: "UPS 31 HEAVY, be advised company that just landed ahead of you on runway 18R reports hitting some sort of roadkill."
UPS 31: "That's all right, we'll flatten it out a little bit for ya!"

-- Richard E., Irving, Texas
There's a story about a C-124 and an F-4 on intersecting taxiways at Rhein-Main long ago. The F-4 driver asked Ground what the Globemaster's intentions were.

It is said that the C-124 pilot opened the clamshell doors in the nose and announced, "I'm going to eat you."

--David Fisher, frc@eznet.net


There once was a captain who enjoyed pranks. As the legend goes, one day he found an unmarked white cane in the terminal. Digging through his bag of goodies, he donned a set of extra-thick gag glasses, and fumbled his way across the ramp to his parked aircraft. The passengers watched as he groped his way up the airstairs and into the main entry. "Hi, Marsha," he sang as he felt for the cockpit doorknob. Pausing, he looks back and forth over the heads of the startled passengers. Through the huge lens, his eyes are three times their normal size. "Say, Marsha, are we hauling people or passengers today?" The matronly attendant smiles graciously and replies softly, "umm... passengers, Sir."

Our hero raises his watch to within an inch to his glasses, and announces for all to hear, "Well then, we'd better start getting them aboard! It's nearly time to leave!"


NY Ctr: "Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles."
FedEx 235: "Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five."
NY Ctr: "Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah..."
Delta 520: "Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty."
NY Ctr: "Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please."
Alitalia 16: "HEY! You make-a funna Alitalia?!"
NY Ctr: "Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna FedEx!"
-- nshane@metronet.com
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

-- Tom Albertz, Hewlett-Packard Fort Collins Site


S19: Tower, this is Speedbird One-Niner, request clearance.

Twr: Well, hello,there. We're so glad to hear from you. Would you believe you're the first aircraft we've had in or out since Monday?

S19: That's very nice, Tower, S19 requests the information.

Twr: Well, there's an overcast at 1000 feet, but there's not a breath of wind. You can't believe how boring it's been lately, we haven't had any aircraft in or out since Monday.

S19: Tower, S19 requests landing instructions, and which runway is active?

Twr: You can have any runway you like, we're just so happy to see you, we haven't had any aircraft in or out since Monday.

S19: Roger, S19 will be doing an ILS approach on runway 27.

Twr: You're cleared for the ILS approach on 27, report when you have the runway in sight.

(A little later)

S19: Tower, S19 has the runway in sight, 1 mile final for 27 - Tower, for God's sake, there's another airliner taking off on 09 directly towards us!

Twr: Oh, my God, don't tell me it's going to be another day like Monday.

-- 71524.2266@compuserve.com
Air Cadet in back of DH Chippy (first flight) takes control of the aircraft and pushes PTT button on the top of stick.

ATC in FY Tower: "Aircraft transmitting "duggaduggaduggaduggadugga" identify yourself!"

-- John "(taxiing to alpha dispersal) Do you think that Jet Provost will be upset if I overtake him?? I need the loo!" Hawksley, John_Hawksley@HP-Germany-om2.om.hp.com

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