Controller: "Cessna 266, descend and maintain 1,500, cleared for the
contact tower at the outer marker." Without realizing that his mike is
open he says, "Watch me kill this S.O.B."
Pilot: "CANCEL IFR! CANCEL IFR!"
-From Frank Ledgerwood in Talefeathers, the newsletter of EAA Chapter 268
Inertial Guidance System Simplified
We are not sure who the author of the following article is, however we feel
that the article is one of the best, clearly defined descriptions of the magic
that resides withing the aircraft's black boxes.
The aircraft knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows
where it isn't. By subtracting where it is from where it isn't, or where it
isn't from where it is (whichever is the greater), it obtains a difference, or deviation.
The Inertial Guidance System uses deviations to generate error signal commands
which instruct the aircraft to move from a position where it is to a position
where it isn't, arriving at a position where it wasn't, or now is.
Consequently, the position where it is, is now the position where it wasn't;
thus, it follows logically that the position where it was is the position where it isn't.
In the event that the position where the aircraft now is, is not the position
where it wasn't, the Inertial Guidance System has acquired a variation.
Variations are caused by external factors, the discussions of which are beyond
the scope of this report.
A variation is the difference between where the aircraft is and where the
aircraft wasn't. If the variation is considered to be a factor of significant
magnitude, a correction may be applied by the use of the autopilot system.
However, use of this correction requires that the aircraft now knows where it
was because the variation has modified some of the information which the
aircraft has, so it is sure where it isn't.
Nevertheless, the aircraft is sure where it isn't (within reason) and it knows
where it was. It now subtracts where it should be from where it isn't, where
it ought to be from where it wasn't (or vice versa) and intergrates the
difference with the product of where it shouldn't be and where it was; thus
obtaining the difference between its deviation and its variation, which is
variable constant called "error".
Submitted by firstname.lastname@example.org (Morteza Ansari)
Selected for rec.humor.funny by Maddi Hausmann Sojourner, email@example.com.
The preceding article is from the Canadian "Airspace Newsletter", issue 1/94
printed by the Transport Canada. I hope this article will be able to help you
as much as it helped me to understand IGS!!!
Airspace Newsletter is a collection of letters from pilots
and distribution of the articles from the newsletter is encouraged, as long as
references made to the newsletter.
Flare when you hear the crickets.
-- Danny Rossi firstname.lastname@example.org
The Most Dangerous Thing In Aviation Is...
...a pilot with a toolbox.
...a politician with a good idea.
From: email@example.com (Ed Faught)
Date: Mon, 18 Jul 1994 17:01:15 GMT
DuPage County (West Chicago, IL) is a very busy airport. It was at the
time the second busiest in the state, next to O'Hare. I was transitioning
into SEL from my rotary wing and I liked to sit at the end of the active
and watch other pilots' crosswind landings. The experience was augmented
by a portable scanner, so I could hear the tower to air conversations.
There are two stories here, so I'll keep them short. While I was watching,
a Bonanza taxied to the runup area, completed his pre-takeoff, and
received takeoff clearance. He made it about fifty feet down the runway
when his engine died and he taxied slowly to a stop. Standing in the
middle of the active, he calls for a fuel truck on unicom before he
talks to the tower. The poor controller is very busy trying to change
the active with about a dozen aircraft in the pattern.
On another occasion, a light plane makes a perfect landing in a stiff
crosswind, centers the controls and loses it again. After a minute of
bouncing around and miraculously staying upright, the plane ends up
sitting within a very few feet of the base of the tower. The controller's
response: "Cessna 205, what are your intentions?"
________________________________ 213th ASHC "Black Cats"
| * \ ________________________________
Ed Faught |USA \__________________/ _\
WA9WDM \ o o o o |_\ Phu Loi '70-'71
VFW post 3894 \___________________________)
o S o firstname.lastname@example.org
From: email@example.com.EDU.AU (Richard Alan Brown)
Subject: NEW flight simulator
Date: 8 Apr 92 06:08:09 GMT
A NEW CONCEPT IN FLIGHT SIMULATORS
Coming soon from: The Meat Possum Software Group.
The Passenger Simulator!
Tired of stressful ATP or FS4? sick of nagging ATC?
Take the (seat) controls of a 747,767,707,737,727,A320. Hey, they're
much the same when you are sitting down in cattle class, worrying
whether your pilot has a drinking problem, or if the Iranian student
sitting next to you is going to start screaming incomprehensible
political slogans at any moment.
The simulation even includes a random selection of inflight magazines, all
with the crosswords completed, and containing the usual mind-numbing
boring crap. (Just use the click'n'drag mouse o' matic)
- SVGA drivers
- Windows support (only joking!)
- A true to detail 'seat back' display.(YOU choose the
- 'one click' action to lower the tray table
- Random diversions to any airport not of your choice
- Inflight entertainment soundblaster support (sometimes it works,
sometimes it doesn't, how's that for realism!)
You have control!
Click on the attendant call button... and.... NOTHING HAPPENS!!!!!
WOW!! Realism like this would normally be found only in fully configured
Software comes complete with seating allocation cards, invalid visas, out
of date departure tax stamps, and sick bags.
Fly realtime across the US, experience real turbulence, actually
throw up! And at all times the flight characteristics of the set
back in front of you are faithfully reproduced (even down to that
little brat kicking the seat, whose parents are tanked on scotch
& dries and don't give a rats about what their swinish issue are
Includes special mystery 'oxygen mask drops'! Were you watching the
safety briefing???? Remember, you WILL be scored on your survival in
Null modem hookups allow SIMULTANEOUS flights, with realtime communication
with your fellow passengers.
Order yours TODAY, discounts for 30 day advance purchase
APEX orders, no money back in case of cancellation, no
money back if you are dissatisfied, special conditions
apply, no loud talk from the customer, sit down, shut up,
drink your drink, and watch that crappy second run
Hungarian movie about goatherds (with subtitles you can't
quite see because the seat back (tm) is too high.)
- Aeroflot mystery flights
- Qantas 'football team in your section' tours
- Special Toilet & Restroom scenery designer
- AdLib soundcard driver support, 4 disks of monotonous droning noises, interspersed with the toilet flushing every 20 mins.
Well, how about it? I think it'd sell.......
Subject: Opens on Impact
The Parachute Paradigm
You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps
just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use
in melti-engine aircraft under corde red conditions.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute
in order to make your next appointment.
Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get
the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their
luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon
parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and
Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report
on how well it worked.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it
will work in all cases.
Philosophy: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
English: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four
Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute
as well as a human being could.
Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals,
how much they would pay for a parachute.
Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them
Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a
person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard
and not expect handouts.
Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the
parachute into two equal pieces.
Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a
parachute, you take it and jump out.
Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to
learn how to fix a plane.
Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to
Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a
number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link
whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.
National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute.
Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute.
Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute,
as the free market will take care of the other person.
Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to
Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works
-- Darrin McGraw
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