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Controller: "Cessna 266, descend and maintain 1,500, cleared for the approach, contact tower at the outer marker." Without realizing that his mike is still open he says, "Watch me kill this S.O.B."


-From Frank Ledgerwood in Talefeathers, the newsletter of EAA Chapter 268 in Marietta, GA.

Inertial Guidance System Simplified

We are not sure who the author of the following article is, however we feel that the article is one of the best, clearly defined descriptions of the magic that resides withing the aircraft's black boxes.

The aircraft knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn't. By subtracting where it is from where it isn't, or where it isn't from where it is (whichever is the greater), it obtains a difference, or deviation.

The Inertial Guidance System uses deviations to generate error signal commands which instruct the aircraft to move from a position where it is to a position where it isn't, arriving at a position where it wasn't, or now is. Consequently, the position where it is, is now the position where it wasn't; thus, it follows logically that the position where it was is the position where it isn't.

In the event that the position where the aircraft now is, is not the position where it wasn't, the Inertial Guidance System has acquired a variation. Variations are caused by external factors, the discussions of which are beyond the scope of this report.

A variation is the difference between where the aircraft is and where the aircraft wasn't. If the variation is considered to be a factor of significant magnitude, a correction may be applied by the use of the autopilot system. However, use of this correction requires that the aircraft now knows where it was because the variation has modified some of the information which the aircraft has, so it is sure where it isn't.

Nevertheless, the aircraft is sure where it isn't (within reason) and it knows where it was. It now subtracts where it should be from where it isn't, where it ought to be from where it wasn't (or vice versa) and intergrates the difference with the product of where it shouldn't be and where it was; thus obtaining the difference between its deviation and its variation, which is variable constant called "error".

Submitted by (Morteza Ansari)

Selected for rec.humor.funny by Maddi Hausmann Sojourner,

The preceding article is from the Canadian "Airspace Newsletter", issue 1/94 printed by the Transport Canada. I hope this article will be able to help you as much as it helped me to understand IGS!!!

Airspace Newsletter is a collection of letters from pilots and distribution of the articles from the newsletter is encouraged, as long as references made to the newsletter.

Flare when you hear the crickets.

-- Danny Rossi

The Most Dangerous Thing In Aviation Is...

...a pilot with a toolbox.

...a politician with a good idea.

Newsgroups: rec.aviation.misc

From: (Ed Faught)

Date: Mon, 18 Jul 1994 17:01:15 GMT

DuPage County (West Chicago, IL) is a very busy airport. It was at the time the second busiest in the state, next to O'Hare. I was transitioning into SEL from my rotary wing and I liked to sit at the end of the active and watch other pilots' crosswind landings. The experience was augmented by a portable scanner, so I could hear the tower to air conversations.

There are two stories here, so I'll keep them short. While I was watching, a Bonanza taxied to the runup area, completed his pre-takeoff, and received takeoff clearance. He made it about fifty feet down the runway when his engine died and he taxied slowly to a stop. Standing in the middle of the active, he calls for a fuel truck on unicom before he talks to the tower. The poor controller is very busy trying to change the active with about a dozen aircraft in the pattern.

On another occasion, a light plane makes a perfect landing in a stiff crosswind, centers the controls and loses it again. After a minute of bouncing around and miraculously staying upright, the plane ends up sitting within a very few feet of the base of the tower. The controller's response: "Cessna 205, what are your intentions?"

  ________________________________    213th ASHC "Black Cats"
               | * \     ________________________________
Ed Faught      |USA \__________________/ _\
WA9WDM         \     o    o    o    o    |_\  Phu Loi '70-'71
VFW post 3894   \___________________________)
                      o      S     o 

From: rab@ariel.ucs.unimelb.EDU.AU (Richard Alan Brown)

Newsgroups: rec.aviation

Subject: NEW flight simulator

Date: 8 Apr 92 06:08:09 GMT


Coming soon from: The Meat Possum Software Group.

The Passenger Simulator!

Tired of stressful ATP or FS4? sick of nagging ATC?

Take the (seat) controls of a 747,767,707,737,727,A320. Hey, they're much the same when you are sitting down in cattle class, worrying whether your pilot has a drinking problem, or if the Iranian student sitting next to you is going to start screaming incomprehensible political slogans at any moment.

New Features

  • SVGA drivers
  • Windows support (only joking!)
  • A true to detail 'seat back' display.(YOU choose the non-flame-retardant covering)
  • 'one click' action to lower the tray table
  • Random diversions to any airport not of your choice
  • Inflight entertainment soundblaster support (sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, how's that for realism!)
The simulation even includes a random selection of inflight magazines, all with the crosswords completed, and containing the usual mind-numbing boring crap. (Just use the click'n'drag mouse o' matic)

You have control!

Click on the attendant call button... and.... NOTHING HAPPENS!!!!!

WOW!! Realism like this would normally be found only in fully configured ATP sims.

Software comes complete with seating allocation cards, invalid visas, out of date departure tax stamps, and sick bags.

Fly realtime across the US, experience real turbulence, actually throw up! And at all times the flight characteristics of the set back in front of you are faithfully reproduced (even down to that little brat kicking the seat, whose parents are tanked on scotch & dries and don't give a rats about what their swinish issue are up to).

Includes special mystery 'oxygen mask drops'! Were you watching the safety briefing???? Remember, you WILL be scored on your survival in an emergency.

Null modem hookups allow SIMULTANEOUS flights, with realtime communication with your fellow passengers.

Add ons:

  • Aeroflot mystery flights
  • Qantas 'football team in your section' tours
  • Special Toilet & Restroom scenery designer
  • AdLib soundcard driver support, 4 disks of monotonous droning noises, interspersed with the toilet flushing every 20 mins.
Order yours TODAY, discounts for 30 day advance purchase APEX orders, no money back in case of cancellation, no money back if you are dissatisfied, special conditions apply, no loud talk from the customer, sit down, shut up, drink your drink, and watch that crappy second run Hungarian movie about goatherds (with subtitles you can't quite see because the seat back (tm) is too high.)

Well, how about it?  I think it'd sell.......

Alistair Scott
NOTNOTNOTNOT rab@ariel.someplace.else


Subject: Opens on Impact

The Parachute Paradigm

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute.

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in melti-engine aircraft under corde red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.

Philosophy: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.

Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.

Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute.

Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.

Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.

Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

-- Darrin McGraw

Back To Jokes


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