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Two hunters hired a bush pilot to fly them to a remote lake in Alaska. As he dropped them off, the pilot said, "Now, you can legally shoot one moose apiece, but don't do it. We can't possibly get out of here with two moose strapped onto the pontoons." The hunters promised, but temptation was too great, and they shot two. When the pilot returned to pick them up he screamed and hollered, but finally they strapped a moose to each pontoon. Went to the downwind end of the lake, firewalled it, finally lifted off just at the far shore. The plane struggled to climb, but the terrain rose faster. They went into the trees. When the noise quieted down the pilot said, "I told you SOB's we couldn't get out of this lake with two moose aboard!" One hunter replied, Well, we got about a half a mile farther than we did last year!

You can flesh it out with details.

regards,

vince norris, penn state u.


The Pilot's Prayer

  Oh controller, who sits in tower
  Hallowed be thy sector.
  Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
  On the ground as they are in the air.
  Give us this day our radar vectors,
  And forgive us our TCA incursions (*)
  As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
  And lead us not into adverse weather,
  But deliver us our clearances.

  Roger.

What's the purpose of the propeller?

To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!


Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told his passengers were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He decided to take action: "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have been informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little' plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back and take it easy. It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over the right wing of the airplane....it'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humor..."
(This one really happened - the FE was suspended:)

On some air carrier operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so that passengers could watch the pilot land the plane. On one flight, the FE decided to have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla costume; more specifically, just the left arm. When the plane came in to land, the camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on. Since from the position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm, whenever he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed was a hairy arm! So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey (or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of the controls!!!


This T-38 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He managed to coast into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!" The attendant just looked at the pilot. "Bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a fuel," said the pilot. The attendant replied, "True, most pilots use the airport over there."
This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:

Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"

Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."


A friend of mine in my unit in Germany used to tell this story on himself and I thought it was hilarious. Seems he was flying an Army UH-1H, Huey, one day somewhere up around Chicago. As has happened to all of us, probably, at one time or another, he just couldn't seem to get his tongue coordinated at all and was fumble-tonguing everything he said.

Center asked him some simple question and his reply went something like this. "Uh, this is Army helichop...uh, helicopter 15789...uh 15987. We'd like to climb to... uh we'd like to descend to 5000 and then practice a shoot approach....uh shoot a practice ILS blackcourse, uh, backcourse at Grandview Navy...uh, Glenview Navy..." He said that after finally getting the transmission completed, and feeling like a dang fool there was a short period of silence over the radio before someone (who he said you could tell was some Captain on a commercial airliner in the vicinity) came back with a very short comment of "Hire the handicapped". He said that he never felt so stupid in his life as he did about then.


Tower: "12345, are you a Cessna?"

12345: "No....I am a male hispanic."

Controller sitting next to me is trying to change Mooney 45Q to my freq, but gets no response. Thinking that the Mooney may have already switched to my freq accidentally, since he's a local pilot who knew it was coming, he asks me to check.

Me: "Mooney 45Q, are you on this frequency?"

45Q: "Negative. But I should be any time now."


A while ago while waiting to depart from Jeffco (Northwest Denver area airport) I heard:

An obvious student in a Cessna 152: AH Jeffco Tower this is ah Cessna XXXXX final for ah runway ah 11...

Jeffco Tower: You're not on final. Final is when you don't have to turn anymore to get to the runway!


Scenario: Crystal clear CAVU moonless night, following the northern shore of Lake Ontario back from Hamilton to Toronto. I wanted to get fairly high to get the carpet-of-lights effect for my passenger.

Me: Toronto Terminal, FQOZ is a Cherokee 140, Burlington skyway at 3500, VFR to Buttonville via the island, would like to get as high as possible.

ATC: QOZ, cleared to flight level 230.

Me: {sputter, gasp!} Say again! Did you say flight level 230 for QOZ?!

ATC: Just kidding; I can give you up to 6500.


One of my instructors in FE school told me about this. Apparently the loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was transmitting on Unicom instead of over the ICS:

LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!

Followed shortly afterward by:

ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"


This was at SBN (South Bend, Indiana); I was getting ready to
depart IFR for Oshkosh in a Cessna Cardinal RG.

Me:	Oshkosh ground, Cessna 1546 Hotel at the ramp, taxi IFR Oshkosh.

Ground:	Cessna 46 Hotel is cleared to Oshkosh Airport via ...
	[insert complete IFR clearance here]

[It seems to vary from one airport to another when and how you pick
 up an IFR clearance.  At my home base (Morristown NJ) I'm used to
 saying "Taxi IFR" and getting a taxi clearance along with the
 advisory "clearance on request" (which means that the ground
 controller has asked ATC for my clearance).  In any event, it
 is quite a surprise to receive an entire IFR clearance in one
 gulp when you've asked only for a taxi clearance.

 Fortunately, I was up to it: I had pencil and paper within easy
 reach and started copying frantically.]

Me:	46 Hotel cleared to Oshkosh via ... [repeat entire clearance here]

Ground:	Readback is correct.  Twin cessna 46 Hotel, taxi runway xxx...
			      ^^^^
		The ultimate compliment on radio technique!
	

So I set out to taxi to the runway.

That's when I discovered I had forgotten to untie the tail.

Heard at the Oakland, Ca airport:

Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy, Taxi, Destination Stockton.

Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport.


RBL UA /OV RBL- RDD 360030/TM 1950/FLOTP/TP HXB/SK 018 OVC 115/RM SOLID UNDERCAST N RDD/UNVFR. "DECIDED I`M TOO YOUNG TO GO OTP THIS" N BND TO SIY
Pilot coming in with his buddy who had never flown before:

Pilot: This is 1234 Delta five miles north for landing with Mike.

The tower clears him and he lands. When they shut down, the passenger, whose name is Mike, says, "Why'd you have to tell them that I was with you?"


Seems that Tom was working local with a nervous FPL watching over his shoulder. He had one air carrier jet just touching down and another on a mile final, with a commuter holding short for departure release.

"I'm going to get that commuter out between those two jets," said Tom aloud. The FPL could see that there might just *barely* enough time to make it work if nobody screwed up. But like any good instructor, the FPL wanted to let Tom make his own mistakes since that's the only way for a guy to learn. Still, the FPL couldn't help but mumble in Tom's ear "if this works, Tom, it'll be a miracle!"

Tom keys his transmitter. He intends to say "Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for immediate." What actually comes out of his mouth (in one of the great Freudian slips of all time IMHO) is:

"Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for a miracle."

There's a pregnant pause on frequency, and the then commuter pilot says "Tower, I think under the circumstances we better just hold short. I don't feel quite that lucky."

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